Wishing I Had Tried

Wishing I Had Tried

I think I read my first self help book when I was about 18. On any one of my darker days I’ll be browsing one of the countries disappearing lovely bookshops with my ever patient girlfriend and I’ll pull random self help books off the shelf and say “read that, didn’t help…..read that …loada bull****” etc. My girlfriend once turned to me and said “They all helped, you just might not know how yet.”

In that first book something really stood out to me and has stuck with me and has helped me. The author was talking about why people don’t act on their ideas and was asking you to imagine how you would feel if you got to the point where you are about to depart this world and you suddenly realized there was all this stuff you could of done. It sort of jolted me really. I can’t think of anything worse than laying there dieing and unable to move and feeling the regret and wishing I had tried to do something. At the time I was thinking about writing songs but not really trying, not really knowing if I was good enough etc… so I wrote a song about it.

I tried to imagine what it would be like and how horrible it would be:

Look into my eyes see the hurt inside the smiles just a disguise

I’m jovial and keen upfront but hurting here inside

‘Cause I have wasted time and watched life from the side

I realize right now I should have tried

Now I’m lying on my death bed wishing , wishing I had tried

Watch the silver screen, all the people that are living out my dream

A dream I’ve often thought of as I lie hear it would seem that my only chance has been and gone and been and gone and been

And now I’m lying on my death bed wishing wishing I had tried

Wishing all those days away, wishing I had tried.

Look around the world, all the people

but especially that girl I’ve seen her walking here before

but never said a word I just hope she’ll smile

You never know but I’ve been here for quite a while

I like to think of this song as a call to action and a warning not to let your life end up like this. Go and make that song, have a relationship, paint, risk, learn, buy sell, do all the things that a human being can do. Because even if you do them all there will probably still be a part of you on your death bed saying ”If only I’d….” Or maybe not, maybe the parting words might be more like Oscar Wildes who apparently said "This wallpaper is atrocious either it or I have to go."

I’ll be playing this song and many others at the forthcoming Bunkfest – an amazing free festival of music, food, beer and a great atmosphere. www.bunkfest.co.uk

Completion?

When is anything ever truly finished? I’m reminded of an interview with William Friedkin director of The Exorcist having just completed the “Final 30 Year Anniversary Directors Cut of Cuts” or something and he said “At some point you have to leave it and move on” He told the story of Pissarro going into the Louvre with his palette and touching up paintings hanging on the gallery wall, the security guard dragging him away.

“But it is mine to change!” wailed Pissarro “ No, no, no “ replied the guard ”Its on the wall. That means its finished”

My solo album has been finished and printed and arrived and I hold in my sticky hands a CD titled “Smile”. It’s a beautiful thing. Songs that I have written months or even years ago finally have a place in the world because they are up on iTunes and printed on a CD, that’s final. After many months of existing in my studio of recording, mixing, editing, re- recording, fixing and finally mastering they now live somewhere else. Some of the songs were from when I first started writing, some from bands I worked with. I remember when one band finished one of the members said “What a shame, those songs…nothing will happen with them” That must of stuck in my head because I kept some of them and recorded them. Others are moments in time when I just went into the studio with an idea and crafted it from there.

But is anything really finished? I still play these songs live and who knows I might re-record a song or a live version. There could be a remix or a re-master at some time.

All I can say is that “Smile” is the statement of the songs then, that is how they were recorded and mixed and created at that time, an audio snapshot of where I was with these songs, with these abilities and the ears that I currently posses. I’m still recording and still learning and still creating and all of that is moving forward and changing until I finalise it and make another snapshot. Until then ‘Smile” exists as a moment in time that I’m very, very proud of.

You can hear the album and there are some free MP3s here: http://soundcloud.com/russellleak

www.russellleak.com